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Sometimes, during a relationship, especially when in crisis, a couple may think they want to separate, but they are not entirely sure if this is the right choice. For some couples, one partner may feel they want to leave the marriage, and they choose discernment counselling to determine the best way forward.
All too often, when one person has decided they probably want out, the other partner, sensing this, may try very hard to get closer, hoping to save the relationship. Unfortunately, for many couples, this last-minute attempt to reconnect can have the opposite effect. While this effort might have worked wonders weeks, months, or years earlier, there comes a point in time when it seems to have no effect other than pushing the distant partner even further away.
These crisis points in a relationship are very hard to navigate. Many people panic and insist on relationship counselling, but it can be painful and ineffective if one person has a different agenda from the other. After being in love and trying so hard to be close for so long, it is incredibly tough for either partner to decide whether they want to leave or stay and try (yet again) to make things better.
This is where discernment counselling can be incredibly useful—because neutral guidance can help make the decision clearer. healthy and peaceful process
We want you to make decisions that don’t leave you with possible regrets. There’s a lot at stake when you leave a relationship. Love, memories, family—there may be things to be gained but there will be things that are lost. We want to explore with you the possibility of a wonderful new marriage with each other where you are able to both be happy, emotionally and sexually fulfilled and secure with each other.
There are problems with going to regular relationship counselling at the point where one person feels hopeless about the relationship. This is where Discernment Counselling, with a 6 session limit, can feel like the best option.
During the discernment process, our therapists employ tools to encourage you both to reflect individually on what you each want, what has gone wrong, and what your dreams are for a future relationship.
At this point, if our help has given both of you new clarity on how you were missing each other and getting caught up in conflict or distance, you may feel hopeful about a possible new life together. If that happens, you may then decide to commit to a fixed period of relationship counselling to create your new relationship with each other. This helps one or both of you not feel pressured to sacrifice your own hopes and dreams.
If you choose that path, we often lock in a schedule for the sessions—for example, six months—and begin the work. We will focus on repairing hurts, trust issues, and/or re-establishing broken emotional bonds between you. You can read more about this on our Relationship Therapy pages.
In discernment counselling, we work hard to understand what has gone wrong in your relationship. Often, you may come to surprising conclusions as we uncover patterns that have led to unnecessary distance and misunderstanding between you.
Sometimes, there are positive surprises as you examine hurt and blame from new perspectives. This can provide enough relief for both of you to want to give relationship counselling a try.
However, in many situations, staying together may be unhealthy, leading to frustration, unhappiness, or even violence. If this is the case and you choose to separate, our goal is to help you both leave with a clearer understanding of the dynamics that brought you to this point.
At our centre, we believe: “You may not have had a good marriage, but you can have a good separation.” Isn’t that a liberating thought?
If your marriage or relationship must end, discernment counselling may at least offer insight into how things played out and how each of you may have contributed to the breakdown. This isn’t about assigning blame—it’s about identifying the unique emotional pattern that evolved between you, which caused each of you to act in ways that ultimately led to drifting apart. While the decision to separate can be a gradual one, sometimes it happens suddenly, with one partner waking up one day saying, “I want out.”
It’s of paramount importance to minimise blame, hurt, and conflict, so your separation can be as amicable as possible. This will benefit both of you, your health, and, if you have children, their wellbeing too.
And if you re-partner? Gaining deeper insight into the separation process will undoubtedly support a stronger connection with a future partner, ensuring you don’t repeat the same patterns.
In discernment counselling, there’s no place for negative judgments about who may have been right or wrong. Instead, your therapist will listen with care, helping you work out what feels right for each of you and for the couple you may or may not choose to remain.
Unlike traditional relationship counselling, discernment counselling often involves more individual sessions. At our centre, we typically limit the process to a maximum of six sessions. By this point, most couples find they are ready to make a decision and move forward.
For some, it might take only one or two sessions for a partner to arrive at a final decision. On average, however, it takes around four or five sessions to gain the clarity needed to determine your preferred path.
